Posted by: erinmelissa | April 22, 2009

Not Thinking Can be Bittersweet

A friend from church is possibly borrowing my wedding dress for her upcoming wedding.  I welcomed her to come over and try it anytime, and then realized it’s at my dad’s.  So, I ran over there at lunch to pick it up and then was unsure what to do with the rest of my time in the big empty house.  So, looking at my dad’s video’s I came across a VHS of “Tim and Erin’s Wedding”.  Because our copy is also VHS, and we are sooo with the times, therefore don’t have a VCR, I’ve never seen it.  So, excited, I popped it in – without thinking.  Things I should have thought:

– I have about 25 minutes before having to go back to work. 

– It’s better not to go to work a teary mess. 

– It’s good to not have your emotions screwed up for the rest of the day.

Now, the explanation for the things I should have thought through.  As I watched my brothers take my Grandma to her seat, Tim’s brother take his grandparents to their seat, and Tim and his brother seat his mom, it dawned on me.  Next person in would be my mom.  For over two years, I have only seen her in photographs.  It was just a few weeks ago that I found myself straining to remember certain facial expressions, and was crushed by fear of forgetting.   And, now, I was seeing an animated image of her.  I could see all the little expressions that crossed her face and knew what they meant.  Like when she was smoothing my veil before I walked up the stairs, I saw that flicker of frustration that part of it was still turned up.  How she discreetly tried to pass me tissue as I struggled not to cry, and how thrilled she was to be there for that moment. 

So naturally, I cried through lunch.  Then teared up on the way back to work.  Then e-mailed Tim about it and fought tears again.  All things that could have been avoided with a little thinking.

That said, I’m so glad I was able to watch it.  These are things I never thought I would see again in this life, when all this time it was just a VCR away.  I fully intend to watch the rest of it soon-just not on my lunch break. 

That’s all.

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